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>> MINI NEWS <<
time for a snooze
There comes a time in every August when news services should
just shut the hell up, because the weather's too hot or too
underwater, and the world grows so dull and hazy that even
the overexcitable hardcore at LinuxWorld wander around like
it's Undead Expo 2002, and the Weiss-baked Macintoxins can
barely lift their wallets for MacOS X.2, and Sun can't be
bothered to do anything but run s/RedHat/Sun Linux/g on a
free distribution disk, and everyone else is on holiday, or
getting ready to be on holiday, or being told that perhaps
they should take a holiday RIGHT NOW, and all we can do is
look at this awful, awful EUCD legislation and stare out the
window until dawn.
Yeah, it's our annual no news edition. We moved to a faster
server. Do take the rest of the weekend off in celebration.
Or, alternatively, build up a head of overexcitement for
the public appearance of THOMAS DOLBY - the "Hyperactive"
chart artist and Beatnik audio plug-in advocate who, even as
you read this, appears to be hosting a 350 Euro-per-head
seminar on COMPOSING POLYPHONIC RING TONES at Helsinki's
Radisson Royal Hotel in Finland. Lucky delegates will learn
about "using real-time MIDI controllers for tweaked
effects", "techniques for making little speakers sound huge"
and - perhaps most distressingly - "picking the right
instrument and register for best audibility". The
cacophonous cavalcade comes to London's Soho House on Tue
and Wed next week if you'd like to check it out for
yourself - or perhaps hold a street protest on behalf of
music lovers worldwide.
http://www.headspace.com/seminar2002.htm
- So they're better than monophonic ringtones. What isn't?
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
because there are still a few PUERILE GOOGLE MISSPELLINGS
that NTK doesn't come top of the search results for - yet:
http://www.google.com/search?q=partnershit&start=10 , "anals
of history", "blackpoo", "farternity", "proffesional" - the
latter particularly in conjunction with "proofreading":
http://www.google.com/search?q=proffesional+proofreading ...
"Subie" called "ya ,jhg hjg yjg" by unashamedly Glaswegian
DAILY RECORD: http://www.ntk.net/2002/08/16/dohsub.gif ...
looks like his official title now becomes "President Buh":
http://www.ntk.net/2002/08/16/dohbuh.gif ... frickin' MAC
users buy anything: http://www.ntk.net/2002/08/09/dohsx.gif
... maybe not the best month for this branch of the W3C:
http://lists.w3.org/Archives/Public/www-forms-editor/2002Mar/ ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Boasting technical seminars, interplay of technological ideas
and, of course, beer, this year's LINUXBIERWANDERUNG (from Sat
2002-08-24, Doolin, Co. Clare, Ireland, for a "small voluntary
donation" per hiker) might just be the only walking holiday
you ever persuade your company to pay for. Continuing the
outdoor theme, somewhat shorter notice for this Sunday's
GREATER LONDON LINUX USER GROUP BLETCHLEY PARK PICNIC (around
12noon, Sun 2002-08-18, Bletchley, near Milton Keynes, UKP6
admission fee). And for anyone who can't make the whole week
in Ireland, there's some consolation in the form of LONDON
PERLMONGERS PRESENT: DAMIEN CONWAY AT THE CONWAY HALL (6pm,
Tue 2002-08-27 and Thu 2002-08-29, Conway Hall, London WC1R,
free) - hopefully just the start of a similarly-named speaker/
venue trend which will also see Larry Wall performing at the
Great Wall Of China, and Eric Raymond at London's Raymond
Revue Bar.
http://www.lbw2002.draiocht.net/
- sadly, less excuse for "pingtime for Hitler" gag this year
http://list.ftech.net/pipermail/gllug/2002-August/025308.html
- bring your "Cryptonomicon", please don't deface his Wiki
http://london.pm.org/meetings/
- last time: http://www.bluedust.com/projects/info7.asp
http://www.gabba.net/pnp/lofi.asp
- Plug'n'Play this Sun, feat. Casiotone & Thorsten Sideboard
http://www.ica.org.uk/index.cfm?articleid=7641
- and Hacking @ ICA tonight, assuming you get this in time
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
Dijkstra finally gone? Great. Now we can hang out with those
sloppy little unrigorous languages he never let into the
house. Right on cue: the latest dev version of GNU
SMALLTALK, that dirty treat-me-like-an-object ducky. Version
2.0b sprouts HTML-embedding and experimental MySQL support -
implying you might actually be able to do something useful
with it. Admittedly, "useful" has not been a word  much used
in the Smalltalk community recently. Many of the current
addicts seem to live entirely in the pleasuredomes of that
Land of Infinite Fun, Alan Kay's Smalltalk sequel SQUEAK,
the cross-platform UI-kablooie playground which, over time,
been overloaded with more ill-fitting metaphors than this
sentence. But even Squeak is showing signs of returning to
planet Earth. Talk of cleaning up the object tree are rife;
coders are working on XP-alike skins (instead of Squeak's
peculiarly homely interface right now). There's even word of
a SmallTalkish scripting language in the offing. And all
those new MacOS X Objective C hackers are following the
trail back to the NeXT's great ancestor, giving a timely
boost to the tribe. Xerox Parc *will* return!
http://freshmeat.net/releases/93723/
- the smaller Smalltalk
http://www.squeak.org/download/
- pretty colours
http://lists.squeakfoundation.org/pipermail/squeak-dev/
- where they're all hiding
http://www.iam.unibe.ch/~ducasse/WebPages/FreeBooks.html
- look! free ST books!
http://www.pocketsmalltalk.com/
- look! free Palm IDE!
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/
where's Wendy?: http://3gamerchicks.com/features/bobsex/ ...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/2188214.stm got a bargain from:
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2002/08/03/deleteddomains/print.html
- still, makes a change from press releases from BT OPENWORLD:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/2181078.stm ... life
imitates http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.15.1961.html
(from last summer); in the meantime, we can look forward to:
http://www.martian.fm/countdown_it.htm ... at last - Java
PARADROID: http://www.javaonthebrain.com/java/noids/ ... so
has "10,000 Statistically Grammar-Average Fake Band Names"
been taken?: http://web.media.mit.edu/~bwhitman/10000.html ...
UNWITTING DOUBLE-ENTENDRE CORNER - "Genetic Distribution of
the Labial Flap": http://www.sil.org/silewp/2001/002/ vs a
trained eye on "The lines, crevices, and folds of your fanny":
http://www.jacquelinestallone.com/reportsDocs/rumpology.html ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> the objection that "Elvis - was a hero to most, but he
never meant shit to me" is addressed in ENTERTAINING ELVIS
(1.35am, Fri, ITV), in which "The King" offers his views on
our modern-day pop acts... the horror continues in the form of
CANDYMAN II (1.10am, Fri, C4) and William Peter "The Exorcist"
Blatty's psycho-nonsense THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (2.45am, Fri,
C4)... and Jason "Seinfeld" Alexander plays one of a bunch of
gay friends - not that there's anything wrong with that - in
LOVE! VALOUR! COMPASSION! (12.40am, Fri, C5)... Jarvis Cocker
*is* Rolf Harris, while "Allstars" impersonate the recently
deceased "Steps" in CELEBRITY STARS IN THEIR EYES (8.30pm,
Sat, ITV)... Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma "Legally Blonde"
Blair put the "les" back into "Les Liaisons Dangereuses" in
their noted http://www.girlskissing.co.uk/video.htm classic
CRUEL INTENTIONS (9.30pm, Sat, C4)... leading into a late-
night character actor fest featuring Paul "Boogie Nights"
Anderson's feature debut HARD EIGHT (12.35am, Sat, BBC2),
David Mamet's Steve Martin con-game THE SPANISH PRISONER
(1.20am, Sat, C4), and Oirish juvenile delinquent coming-of-
ager THE BUTCHER BOY (12.55am, Sat, C5)... things get back to
normal on Sunday with the incomprehensible remake of MISSION:
IMPOSSIBLE (8.15pm, Sun, BBC1) - not to be confused with the
simultaneously fruitless THE HUNT FOR THE ANTHRAX KILLER (9pm,
Sun, BBC2)... Christina Ricci, Lisa Kudrow comedy THE OPPOSITE
OF SEX (10pm, Sum, C4) has snappy script, no plot... and it's
the final episode of the seemingly interminable 24 (10pm, Sun,
BBC2): http://www.doyourecall.co.uk/ ... the - presumably
rhetorically titled - DID BARRY GEORGE KILL JILL DANDO? (9pm,
Mon, C4) and WHO KILLED SIMONE VALENTINE? (11.05pm, Mon, C4)
are helpfully scheduled either either side of SIX FEET UNDER
(10pm, Mon, C4)... Michael "David St Hubbins" McKean moves
into management in sub-"Spinal Tap" hostage romp AIRHEADS
(10.55pm, Mon, C5)... the consistently worrying TEENAGE KICKS
(10pm, Tue, C4) looks at "Teenage Dwarfs" - next week:
"Teenage Dirtbags"?... and http://www.diffusiononline.net/
inspiration BARGAIN HUNT (8pm, Thu, BBC1) arrives on prime-
time - frankly we still prefer his mix of "147 Lockdown"...
FILM>> if they'd used the proper mathematical sigma symbol in
the title, then the sequel could have been called "The
Derivative Of Distress - With Respect To Terror" for largely
humourless feelgood nuclear thriller THE SUM OF ALL FEARS
( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/the_sum_of_all_fears.html :
We see [Bridget "Coyote Ugly" Moynahan] in bed, showing some
cleavage; the camera briefly focuses on some cheerleaders'
clothed butts during the Super Bowl)... oh and it's the full
release this week for SPY KIDS 2: THE ISLAND OF LOST DREAMS
( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/spykids2.htm : telepathy;
pelvic thrusts by a child; drinking with multiple drugging;
"Let's kick their [posteriors]" - which is not included in the
list of three/four letter word vocabulary but is impudent;
toilet humor - smothering in a pile of dung with fecal matter
in mouth)...
CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> "Are you tracking breakfast cereal?"
inquired a concerned LLOYD WOOD, after recently wandering into
the "kiddy end" of the cereal aisle. "They've all gone CD-ROM
on the front", he observed - causing him, for a moment to
think he was looking at "some really bloated computer
magazines". Of course we are, Lloyd, though we're not as
easily swayed by gimmicks as you are, and thus can impartially
report that NESTLE's Maryland-style COOKIE CRISP are the most
biscuit-like breakfast ever, easily triumphing over KELLOGG's
FROSTIES CHOCOLATE (too much chocolate, not enough "frosty"),
COCO POPS CRUNCHERS (clump together in this humid weather) and
even the Winnie The Pooh-themed DISNEY HUNNY B's - and if you
mix them all together, the milk goes so chocolatey it'll turn
your Pooh brown... elsewhere in dairy, MCDONALD'S continue a
disappointing run of toppings for the MCFLURRY (99p) -
Cadbury's Caramel is rubbish, and Jammie Dodgers not a patch
on our second-favourite McFlurry of all time, the Strawberry
Crunch: http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02001-08-10&l=286#l .
Reader ED AVIS complains that KFC don't tell you that their
"M&M" AVALANCHE (also 99p) does not feature real M&Ms but
"special miniaturised ones", which he describes as "frozen
solid" and "might as well be small bits of gravel for all the
chocolate flavour they impart". While, following last week's
announcement of Ice T's Posse Pops, CRAIG LEFF thought we'd be
reassured by the news that NBC are launching their own range
of TV-themed Baskin-Robbins ice-creams, including a "Fear
Factor" flavour designed to recreate the experience of eating
"dirt and spiders": http://www.adage.com/news.cms?newsId=35520
... back with confectionery, LEON VERRALL remained unimpressed
with STARBURST FRUITINESSE (from 49p, "tasted of plastic...
[resembled] those 'food pills' they thought we'd all be eating
by now"), DAVID BLANE grudgingly approved of the TWIX TRIPLE
CHOC LIMITED EDITION ("Not bad, faintly evoking Penguins,
which I never liked because of the thick chocolate"), and the
whole point of that controversial "It's not for girls"
campaign was revealed: to position NESTLE DOUBLE CREAM (40p)
as a more female-friendly version of the YORKIE BAR. Other
treats to look forward to in coming weeks: Cola-flavoured
CADBURY-TREBOR REFRESHERS, chicken-wings-flavoured HULA HOOPS,
bacon QUAVERS, the (presumably) non-crisp-like GOLDEN WONDER
FRUIT WONDERS - or, indeed, any of this weird new American
stuff: http://www.candyusa.org/Press/New/ace2002.shtml ,
ranging from SCORNED WOMAN CHOCOLATE JALAPENO FUDGE to SOFT
AND CHEWY STINKY FEET ("Mmm, these feet are *so* stinky")...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"yeah, thanks Edge, knew you had a worse picture somewhere"
(p014, Edge, September 2002)
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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