Forwarded-by: Chris Wedgwood <cw@f00f.org>
From: Bert
01. I was so poor growing up...  if I wasn't a boy...  I'd have had
nothing to play with.
02. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home."  I went over. Nobody was home.
03. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the
other night she called me from a hotel
04. One day I came home early from work...  I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"  He
said "Because you came home early."
05. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...  put a shirt on
and button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase, and the handle
came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
06. I was such an ugly kid...  When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
07. I could tell my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.
08. I was such an ugly baby...  My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.
09. I'm so ugly...  My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly...  My mother had morning sickness...  AFTER I was
born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...  I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
I look in the mirror...  I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
with me?" He said...  "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.  Last night he went on
the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.