The Electronic Telegraph
Emigrate to Russia? That's a steppe too far
(Filed: 28/08/2002)
So you think you've got it bad: fed up with Folkestone, bored with Birmingham
or sick of Sheffield.
Those 54 per cent of Britons - according to a Daily Telegraph/YouGov survey
this week - who dream of a stress-free life in sunnier climes should perhaps
heed a word of friendly advice on the realities of living abroad.
Kommersant, a Russian daily newspaper, yesterday offered those dissatisfied
with life in Blair's Britain a taste of what to expect should they choose to
emigrate to provincial Russia.
After reading about the gripes of affluent Britons, its tongue-in-cheek
article admitted, however, that the grass was not always greener on the other
side.
"The inhabitants of foggy Albion keen to travel could go to any Russian city
deep in the provinces where things are quiet," said Kommersant.
"In any central Russian district, life, by British standards, is unseemingly
cheap and remarkably laid back. By 11am most of the working population are
becoming 'traditionally' relaxed."
The time for elevenses in Britain - perhaps the opportunity for a quiet cup of
tea and a chocolate Hobnob - is known in Russia as the Wolf Hour.
It was so named in Soviet times because at 11am a wolf appeared from the
famous animal clock at the Obrasov Puppet Theatre in Moscow. It is also
opening time in the nation's vodka shops.
And the vodka, like all other spirits, is cheap. Kommersant pointed out that
"the money a Briton can earn from selling even the most shabby house would be
enough to support them at the local standard of living for the rest of their
life.
"The local shops are full of all they would need and they could buy a bottle
of whisky for kopecks."
There are 100 kopecks in a ruble and the ruble is currently worth about a
halfpenny in sterling.
The whisky is cheap, however, because it is unlike anything the average Briton
will have consumed before. It is made of samagon - home-distilled, moonshine
vodka - coloured with tea, and is a popular beverage in rural areas and among
diehard alcoholics.
While alcohol is plentiful and cheap, food may not be so easy to come by. The
newspaper pointed out that traditional British foodstuffs - it selected oxtail
soup as an example - were in short supply. However, the wealth of the British
settler should overcome the difficulty.
"For a modest reward in most Russian villages, the locals would happily cut
off the tails from the entire collective farm's herd of cattle."
One or two potential emigrés might be deterred by language difficulties. There
are few English speakers to be found among the green hills of Tula on the
Mongolian border.
However, Kommersant pointed out, language difficulties were not considered a
deterrent by the 13 per cent of Britons who nominated France as the country in
which they would like to live.
France, the Russian paper claimed, was a country "where English is only known
by the beggars, Belorussian prostitutes and Russian tourists".
Despite the low cost of living and the easy-going lifestyle, the Russian
weather remains a major stumbling block for Britons.
Even in the most temperate regions, winter temperatures of -20C are common.
And somewhere like the Sakha Republic - east of Siberia and the coldest place
in the world - enjoys just one month of summer and endures winter temperatures
that drop below -70C. Houses are built on concrete stilts because the
permafrost makes digging foundations impossible.
Again, the Russian paper had a word of reassurance. While acknowledging the
climatic problems, it said that "thanks to global warming this difficulty will
solve itself".
Kommersant also had an answer to the labour crisis that would be created in
Britain if 54 per cent of its citizens decided to opt for a life in Russia.
"Thirty-three million Russians could be sent to Britain to replace the 33
million who leave. We think that the required number could probably be found
amongst our citizens."
Unfortunately for those 33 million Russians, however, not one of those Britons
surveyed who wanted to move abroad nominated the Russian steppes as their
preferred new home.
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